Monday, January 3, 2011

Day 3: Love??

Day 3: Your first love

Geesh. Really??
If you're referring to 1st love as "what do you love most" kind of 1st love, that is always, will always be my husband. He's the most extraordinary person I've ever known. And let's not forget he plays 2 person Taboo with me... and listens to me ramble.

I'm eliminating the family category as well as the faith category because it's too easy for me to write about (and I think there is a day in this exercise for family and beliefs). When I first saw Day 3: Your First Love, I thought of boys. I thought of grade school Valentine's parties, first kisses, crushes, butterflies in your stomach-  all the things that at the time you my think is love, but is actually preparing you for the real deal.
If you're referring to 1st love as in "timeline of feeling the emotion of love" then that's different. That's like a progression I think. I didn't really date until college. I had a lot of guy friends which totally sucks because you inevitably have a crush on one of them and they paint you into the "friend" corner only for you to discover your crush really has the hots for your friend and you have to pretend like you're excited for them. Oh the unrequited 7th grade crush, how you have damaged millions! 

....bring it back, Hare

Technically, my crush on Brian Wiggan in the 3rd grade counts since at the time that "in love" feeling I had was what I as an 8 year old believed love to be. Brian was the fastest kid in our grade...maybe even the whole school. He looked like a mini surfer, his hair was blonde from the sun and he was perpetually tan. I can't say that I ever talked to him- I couldn't even look at the kid without getting flabbergasted. That's what I thought love was. A feeling. You get butterflies in your stomach, he chases you on the playground, you tell him he has cooties, and you live happily ever after. Boy was I in for a shocker. 

Then came the Jr. High & High School "you're one of the guys" years. I was always too shy and insecure- I never thought I was popular enough or pretty enough to even entertain the thought that any crush would even kind of reciprocate those feelings. In retrospect, I didn't get painted into the friend corner...I helped paint myself into the friend corner- I was waaay to chicken to put my heart out there. Instead I silently suffered as the "friend".   

I dated a guy in college who was nice, and tall, and an athlete. I pushed all my plans and eventually my values aside. I realize now that I was probably not a very good girlfriend in that I still had poor self image which played out as me being needy and quick to become suspicious and jealous. Finally I wasn't the friend, and I wasn't gonna screw this up! The problem here was that I thought staying with someone fixes everything- I wasn't going to quit when in reality breaking up probably would have saved us both a world of drama. I thought at that point that love= revolving your world around someone and never giving up.
Each of those "loves" or should I say "ideas" of what I thought love should be wasn't the answer but rather gave me another piece to the puzzle.

Along came my husband who I firmly believe that God brought into my life when he did for a reason. Daniel and a deeper understanding of God's love for me, helped me eventually realize that love is so much more than a feeling or committing to not quit.

So, those are my 1st loves in my stages of growing up. Glad the best was saved for last!

Tomorrow you get the lowdown on my parentals.

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