Workin' 9 to 5

Well most days anyway.

I know everyone has their own feelings about working versus staying at home with the kids and let me tell you as a mom who has now tried both... Don't let anybody's opinion or what works for someone else's family let you feel guilty, second guess your decisions, or feel less of a super mom. I'm not here to knock anyone's choice, only to share how we made our choices.

If you work 40+ hours a week and come home and love on your kids- you are super mom.

If you stay at home and feed your kid every meal and change every diaper - you are super mom.

If you work part time and take your kiddo to MDO so you can have some sanity and everyone's better for it - you are super mom.

To work or not to work was the hot topic all during my pregnancy. At the time, the hubs was working in a position that demanded the regular 40 hour workweek plus at least 3 nights a week of events that would put him home at or after 9 pm. My job in the alumni office was somewhat similar in that I was in the office during the regular week and my after hours events were more like once a week unless it was homecoming, commencement or auction weekend, then the only off hours were when I was sleeping. We didn't have family close and we lived and worked in a small town with few daycare options. We both loved our jobs but felt that if we both worked we'd have our daughter in daycare/nanny care 40 hours a week + several nights and weekends which we were not comfortable with, so we decided that I would quit my job after the baby came and stay home.

It was the most fun, challenging, emotionally draining year I've ever spent. I loved the fact that I got to be with my daughter all day, I got to feed her change her be sure she was getting plenty of attention, cuddles and playtime. I also hated it. Staying home, not my kid people. I went from working full time, having an income, work identity, friends- to sitting at home. all. day. long. with someone who couldn't communicate with me the way I needed to be communicated with. It was very lonely for me. (It didn't help that the first 4 months of B's life were during the coldest, rainiest part of the year) Most of my friends/co-workers either didn't have kids or their children were already grown. I joined a few mommy groups and while those were wonderful, they were all in bigger cities that I had to make a 30 minute drive each way, which with an infant's schedule makes for a big undertaking.

Once I figured out I had post-partum anxiety I realized more than ever that I needed to have something to keep me from over-thinking and freaking out about every single thing. But how could anyone take care and love my baby the way I do? Truth is they can't. Nothing beats mom. But I also know that when mommy is healthy and happy then kids are healthy and happy. I knew that I wanted to go back part time. It would give me a chance to have something of my own and contribute financially to the family piggy bank and it'd be great for Brooklyn to start learning social skills and interacting with other tots a few days a week.

I had been looking for something part-time since we moved back to Texas back in September. I interviewed for a few jobs, got rejected twice and turned down one opportunity. I only applied for 2 full time positions. If you are going to ask me to be away from my kid 40 hours a week I better be gung ho about the job. No mediocre here. Finding something part time proved to be harder than I thought. Sure I could always wait tables a few days a week. But it's not just about income- I needed something that is mentally stimulating and after waiting tables throughout college I am well aware that I can do that with my eyes closed. So a day after submitting my resume for a full time gig with a local non-profit. I was sitting in an interview with the Executive Director. Three days later I had the job.

I've been at my job a month and I still have mixed feelings to be honest. I went into this saying that I am going to give it a solid 8-12 weeks to take it all in and let us all adjust.  There are lots of positives. Brooklyn no longer cries when I drop her off at her school. I can tell she's learning new things both physically, mentally and socially from the other 4 kids in her class. She has 2 wonderful teachers who teach her songs, rock her for an hour when she's having trouble napping, and who will be silly with her during playtime. I have less general anxiety, more adults to talk to, and a sense that I am needed and appreciated for the skills and knowledge that my education and career have taught me. Daniel is just glad I'm not on the verge of a massive panic attack every other week :)

Her first day of "school"

On the other hand, I still feel a sense of guilt - like I'm choosing work over my daughter which I know I shouldn't feel- but it's there. I still feel like full time is a lot - I feel like I'm constantly planning ahead - the weeks dinners, work schedules and who's picking Brooklyn up on which day. When can I squeeze in a haircut? Will Daniel be out of town this day? When can we try out a Lifegroup? I feel like I play with her in the morning for a bit (I don't go in til 9), take her to school, pick her up, come home to get dinner started while she plays, we eat and then 30 minutes later she's going to bed and then I spend the next hour doing dishes, packing lunches, sorting laundry, you get the picture. I often feel jipped. Like I didn't get the quality time I wanted with my daughter or husband. I worry about if/when we have a 2nd how will I be able to return to work after 6 or 8 weeks? I mean I got a whole year with B. Ladies always tell me "They're only little once." or "You only have that short 5 years before they go to school then you can work all you want." I wrestle with those phrases every week.

She was at Nana & Papaw's one day so we got to send pics!

Anywho, my intention certainly wasn't to write a novel as it appears has happened, but rather to document this change, this decision, and the flood of feelings that comes along with it. As a whole I feel like I'm handling it waaaaay better that I imagined I would, but still have lots of feelings I'm wrestling with.

Going home...

I never imagined that what I'm about to say would ever evoke any feeling other than despair, but I am excited to announce that we are moving back to Waco.

I know, right?! I'll wait while you pick your jaw up off the floor.

Daniel has accepted a position at Baylor and we will be moving next month. I am soooo proud of what he has done at WOU while he was here. From a new logo and branding, online ticketing, to revamping the Wolves club to raise more money for scholarships, and those are just a few. The decisions he has made at work have always been about one thing and one thing only... "Will this make the student athletes' experience here better?" He's never out of the office before 6:00 pm (and 6 is early, people) and, like many of his staff, has spent many, many weekends and week nights at all of the different athletic events. I'm sure I'll get the stink eye from him for putting all this in here, but it's true. Baylor is getting an invaluable asset. It wasn't the easiest decision, but ultimately being closer to family is our priority.

We have done some cool things here in Oregon and we have met some wonderful people too. I was lucky enough to work with some awesome ladies (and a few gents!) who I will miss bunches. I will miss the green summers and the 80 degree weather that comes with it. I will miss our church and our sweet small group. I will so miss being 4 hours away from my sister and her family. I will miss the Oregon coast. We have very much enjoyed this part of our journey.

I'm also a little scared. We are going back to the city where I grew up. The city where I spent my entire high school years pretending to be anyone but myself thinking that that's what would make people like me. Where I made many, many mistakes and bad decisions. When I moved away the first time I couldn't leave quick enough, I wanted a clean slate so badly. But then again, it's also the city where I met my best friends and my husband. I have to remember that I'm going back a different person, a better person. I'm going back as a mom, a better wife, a better friend and with a deeper faith.    

Mostly I am excited. Excited to take B to her first Baylor homecoming. Excited to not have to buy a $500 plane ticket to take Brooklyn to see her grandparents. Excited to get a sno-cone during the summer. Excited to be able to spend more time with both my family and my husband's family. Excited to not have to get up at 7 am to watch College Gameday. Excited that we will be able to be there when my niece and nephew (who are due one day apart!) arrive this fall. Excited to get a #1 with cheese, no tomatoes, no onion What-a-sized with a Diet Dr. Pepper. Excited to spend hours of my life in Hobby Lobby looking for my next project . Excited to get up to OKC for some Thunder games.

We are excited to finally be going home.

Now if I can just convince my sister and her hubby to come with us ;) 
 (If I can get the weather in TX to be  more like the Pac NW they might actually do it!)

 I'll leave you with this..........

Heyyyyyyyyyy

SIC 'EM

BEARS!!!

My Car...

Me and my car are about to have a fight. I'm thoroughly convinced that it hates me and is secretly plotting to kill me, or at least severely wound me. While my 2003 Saturn view has been a trusty ol' steed (considering Saturn no longer exists) for the past 120,000 miles I must admit it's really starting to tick me off.

The green machine is a small SUV and has one of those hydraulic lift hatch/trunk door thingies. Apparently in cold weather the hydraulics don't work so well which looks like this......

Yesterday, I'm at the grocery store after work (which by the way is never a good idea on a Monday) it's cold and I'm starving. So I'm haulin' out to the car with my shopping cart. I lift the back door expecting it to fall and when it didn't was pleasantly surprised. I slowly move my hand off the door, just in case, and begin loading my groceries. smooooooth sailing so far, then just as I'm moving the giant 20 pack of coke zero from the cart to the car.......thud!!! The door/ mouth chomps me. Then I cuss. The lady 3 cars down thought it was hilarious. As long as she's having a good time...

To make matters worse when I turn the car on my "low coolant" light comes on. Oh joy. Oh and apparently as my car gets older the road noise gets louder. Ask me to take you to the airport, and when you get out of the car an hour later and you are deaf and your ears are bleeding don't say I didn't warn you.

Sadly, I'm a little attached to it- I didn't think I was but when we first moved to Oregon I was homesick, it was just me, D, and a couple suitcases. I remember when the transport guy came with our cars I was never happier to see the green machiene. Then he rolled it off the truck and the battery was dead - and I remembered why I was surprised that I was happy to see the car.

We are taking it this week to get the hydraulic door thingies replaced and to get a list of all the things that need to be done to get it up to par. We keep going back and forth about replacing my car before the Brooklyn gets here, but always come back around to wanting to keep our savings right where it belongs- in the bank.

I know I can get a few more years out of the green machiene, and in all honesty don't put near as many miles on it as I did when we lived in Oklahoma, but the allure of having something new (well, new to me) is quite tempting. I have to keep reminding myself that it's just a car, a means to get me from one point to another. Many people don't have one and lots of folks have one that's worse than mine. Plus- babies don't care what your car looks like. (At least not until they are 14, then they care what everything looks like.)

So here's to a good report on the ol' clunker.

Day 18: Regrets

Day 18-Something you regret


Oh regrets! I always hear the old "Well, I don't have any regrets cause if it wasn't for (fill in the blank) I wouldn't be who I am today."


That's true you wouldn't be...you'd probably be better. ;) Haha! While I must say, had I actually hit the books hard and graduated on time from college, I would have graduated just after meeting Daniel and wouldn't be married to him, nor would I have had the opportunity to do cool stuff like kick it on Air Force One, or have a few too many cocktails with Hootie and the Blowfish.


While my lack of discipline (and surplus of "party hopper") was partially why I am where I am today it doesn't mean that there are lots of decisions that if I could go back would most definitely decide differently.


I regret not studying more in college - really soaking in all the knowledge. Instead I just learned what I needed to and regurgitated it for tests.


I regret not getting involved in more activities in HS and college. I was always afraid to try new things whether it be try out for a team or join a club...I think because I was afraid of rejection. Hey can't get rejected if you never try right??? Boo for me.  


While there are regrets that we all have I've learned that instead of beating myself up over the all the things I coulda-woulda-shoulda, I can recognize and learn from my regrets and remember to count those blessings because they always outnumber the regrets! :)