Last night after a fun day of playing with B, Daniel and I sat down had diner and were watching the end of the Celtics/Heat game and I just starting feeling funny. I first I thought maybe it was something I ate. Queasy, tingly, dry mouth, tummy issues, and of course the fear that something terrible was happening- yuck! Of course my brain then starts worrying that I'm having a heart attack or something major which most likely made it worse- so after about an hour and a half of it coming in waves I tell Daniel maybe we should go to the doctor just to be safe. We put B in the car seat, drive the 25 minutes to the ER and sit in the parking lot for like 20 minutes while I debate whether I want to go in and wait 4 hours (and pay $400) to be told I'm having an anxiety attack. Don't get me wrong if I was having trouble breathing or having severe pain- I definitely would have gone in. We headed home, put sleeping B back in her crib (she woke up for like 10 seconds the whole time- what a champ!) and I got in bed and watched Seinfeld episodes until I fell asleep. I woke up this morning feeling better but still a little nervous. Nervous I think that when I made an appointment with the doctor that he was going to tell me I'm crazy. Lately I feel like can't watch a show where something bad happens without wondering "what if that happens to me or someone I love?".
Having a kid has contributed some as I worry about her happiness, safety and health and all that good stuff. I also think having suddenly lost a bestie is a big part of it too. When Melly died, B was just a few weeks old and we were having breastfeeding and weight gain issues so I wasn't able to go home for her funeral and almost think I used being a new mom as a reason not to deal with it. I suppose that worked for a bit but think now it's time to come to terms with it whether I want to or not. I know that fear and anxiety is not from God and that His purpose for us is to live life fully and abundantly and without fear because He is bigger than all of it. That I shouldn't worry about tomorrow and embrace each day as it is given.
I couldn't get in to see my Doc til tomorrow morning but I went ahead and went to the urgent care office that is available with my doctors this morning. Sure enough I was right- it was an anxiety attack and to my surprise he told me that that is actually a form of postpartum depression. I was surprised because hasn't been a problem until the last few weeks but as we talked I realized I have also been less busy and less social the last few weeks which has given my little brain time to freak out about everything. :) The good thing is that it's something that can be managed and fixed and it was so nice to hear that I wasn't crazy ha ha! I felt bad because being told that it's a pretty common thing in new moms made me feel loads better. I'm still going to see my primary care doc in the morning as the other doctor wanted to be sure he tested my thyroid just in case, to get some tools to help keep the anxiety away, and to get a referral to see a counselor so I can hopefully come to terms with a loss I haven't really talked about or dealt with since it happened. While I still have some nervous feeling going on it's considerably better than it was this morning and leaps and bounds better than last night. I've also got to make it a point to not spend every waking minute alone with my kid so if anyone is free during the daytime I'll take you to lunch :)
I am blessed to have an amazing husband, a really really good baby and a God who is bigger than my anxiety (and who also has given the gift of Doctors). On the way home from the Doc's office this song came on the radio and as I sang along the words brought tears to my eyes and an overwhelming feeling of peace so I thought I'd share it.